Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Expected Friends

I had a friend, a mother like a friend whom I used to admire with her ability to care. With time my passion for her grew up, I saw her as a mother figure in the hostelry where I dwelled together with her in a common room. Only after our friendship picked up its top it started coming down; her work, her problems more precisely her own life took over. It's no harm though. But lamentably, I became a "time-thing" for her. 

Now, what's this "time-thing"? To be fair, you may not encounter this word in the dictionary. I have simply invented it while resting on my bed thinking over the ceiling of our friendship.

It simply means that she was with me whenever she was free of everything and everyone. Yea! There's nothing wrong with it. But, I was nowhere when my lil heart encountered a lil break. She was nowhere when I was gone away in solitude to dissolve as much as I can. She was nowhere when I needed her for some words of advice. She was nowhere.......... I tried calling her. But her life's battle overshadowed me and I kept as a silent bird as I appreciated her courageous path of sharing her battle. Then came the spring of her life, I quietly waited for her to listen to me now. But this time her joy overshadowed me. I was again pulled up stakes with my words inside.

There's nothing like I didn't have any other ally; she really means a lot to me. In fact, I have every relation with me which a gal of my age has. I lived a contented life with lovely bonds around me. I have many ears to listen to me, my new roommate whom I conceive my daughter now, my family and my rolling diary. Beside ears, they offer a simple level of understanding too. I admire their way of knowing me so well. But the problem with me or any other human is that we "expect". Yes, it's where I failed. I expected a lot. She's someone who doesn't tell her worries easily and I respected her privacy. But I suppose, she forgot that I loved to share mine with whom I love. She blanked out to take me. She blanked out to read my eyes.

I recollect an incident of this New Year where I was excited to celebrate it with my acquaintances. They readily agreed. But slowly, as the day came, the day on which we had decided to celebrate, there was a minor reluctance in their eyes. I felt so bad. I, so badly, wanted a change. While we're leaving I had a heated argument with my other friend. I expected her to say something, but she moved forward, leaving us two arguing. I felt so alone. She had no more belonged to me. I was so silly to realize it. I compelled her staying with me, but she could never do. I was so stupid to realize it then also. She was getting disappear from our casual CCD outing, our crazy shopping, our nagging naps...... She vanished and appeared when she had no one other than me. I have moved around to be her "time-thing".

On a very fine day, not very old, I finally realized it; I have abandoned our friendship. I vanished as well. I don’t want to burden her bonds. It’s not like she’s wrong. But I thought, I have been so unsuccessful to understand her behavior. The reason, I suppose, is that we have outgrown each other. Maybe my thinking and my decision is wrong but for now, it’s making me feel a little strange as well. I felt happiness in biding her "Goodbye" though I still consider her as my friend, but the difference is I expect "nothing" from her as a friend of mine; I'm not estimating her a friend of mine from what she was to what she is either. It would be so strange that I will never listen to her, in that way, anymore; I will never turn childish to her now; I will never force her to stay with me; I will never ask her to go out with me, we're expected to be friends. If she is happy being without me, then why should I follow her through my silliness? If she couldn't understand me, then how can we talk or at least give a worth smile at each other whenever we see? Nevertheless, we're still friends. Maybe, we've certain barriers to be rooted for our friendship. Nowadays, we're just "Expected friends" for ourselves, aren't we?